Dreams

Two months ago today (Wednesday) was the worst day of my life so far. No, I’m not going to post monthly posts about it, but I felt like I needed to today.

Today my heart has been hurting, and it seems like I’m in a heavy fog. I honestly don’t know how to write my feelings, nor am I sure I would if I could. So instead I’m going to share a different post with you.

I had written this post awhile back but was still going back and forth about posting it publicly. Because it got so long (three full pages in a small font in a Word doc!), I turned it into two parts, but I’m going to condense them to one for this post. Please bear with me as it still got a little long.

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Every once in a while I will have a dream that isn’t completely insane and keeps running through my head most of the day. They are so livid and real and I remember so much of them. Today I’m going to tell you about two of those dreams.

A couple months ago I had a dream. I dreamt I was in Ukra*ne (not unusual!!) and at the baby orphanage I met Logan at. I was visiting all the kids there. First I asked for Logan; they told me he wasn’t there. Then I asked for Molly, and they told me she wasn’t there either. Then I asked for Kasey. I spent an hour or two just playing with Kasey and holding him and rocking him and loving on him. After I brought Kasey back, I visited a short time with Johanna.

Kasey

Kasey and Johanna

When I woke up, I couldn’t stop thinking about Kasey and since it was Wednesday I figured I was meant to blog about him for Waiting Wednesday. Then my world came crashing down.

Logan’s mama emailed and said they couldn’t proceed with his adoption. The next morning (Thursday), my world broke into a million pieces again. Instead of recapping it here, read this post if you haven’t already for details.

But back to my dream. Remember the order I asked for the kids? Logan, Molly, Kasey, and Johanna. Later I read Natalie’s post about what happened, again and more carefully. Then it hit me. The part where she said who was gone. Look what order she says them in - Logan, Molly, Kasey, and Johanna gone.

It probably was just me but that gave me the chills. Not to mention the fact that the times the priest was there and the time of my dream seem to match up from what I can gather.

A lot more recent than my dream about Kasey, in fact just a couple nights ago. I had another dream. Actually several dreams that I remember vividly, but the other two things are absolutely ridiculous pieces of information!! :) I’ll will tell you about my sweet Logan who propelled me into the world of orphan advocating.

I was over in Ukra*ne (sound familiar?) and with my good friend Max, who has a ministry over there. We went to go visit Logan, who oddly wasn’t with the priest at his orphanage, but at a different orphanage in the city Logan was in formerly.

Max and I walked in and stood in the doorway. There was a hustle and bustle of activity and we could see nannies, but no kids. I asked how do we know which room is his (we didn’t want to ask for some reason which is totally out of character for Max…).

Max didn’t know, and we were just about to check one of the rooms when out of another room this little boy comes bursting out at a full run. He stops short in front of us and waves excitedly. I realize immediately it’s Logan and I point to the room he came from and am like to Max – “that one is Logan’s room!”

Then is dawns on me – LOGAN is standing in front of me!!! LOL

I put out my arms and he is instantly in them. It was like he knew I’ve been longing to hold him for years. I lift him up and spin him around and around. He is hugging me so tight I can barely breathe but I could care less. I’m bawling like a baby at this point, and I’m bawling typing this, it was just all so real!

The sun was shining down through the window behind us, which was next to the door. But it was so bright, and I remember feeling it was God smiling down on us.

After several minutes I put him down, and just like that he vanished. While I was wiping away tears, Max asked the director, who had somehow appeared when Logan did, about adopting him and we set up an appt later that week to talk more about how we were going to do it. That’s all I remember, but I can only imagine how it turned out.

That dream brings me to tears every time I think about it, and it’s given me so much HOPE! I know it came from God, His presence was just too strong shining through the window for me to deny that.

This amazing picture is hanging in my room. It’s amazing because it has pictures of my sweet Logan on it.

The letter pictures say Bogdan if you couldn’t figure it out. Bogdan is Logan’s real name, while Logan, which everyone knows him as, is his code name to protect his identity.

I KNOW I will see sweet Logan/Bogdan again one day, whether it happens here on earth or not. But until then I will keep praying for him, keeping advocating for others in honor of him, and this blog will continue because all I want to do is take his story to the world because he has shown me what it means to LOVE!

And I love him so much that it hurts! xoxo