They chose me.

I don't choose kids to fall in love with.

They choose me.

They grabbed my hands and heart and refused to let go.

They only asked for love and attention.

But took so much more.

Leaving my heart in pieces.

I didn't want to have my heart broken.

Because I didn't want to face that ache again.

But God has broken my heart for what breaks His.

And there's no going back.

It's been two weeks since I had to say goodbye.

To some of the pieces of my heart.

They choose me.

I have not forgotten you little ones.

Your time is coming.

one year later.

Today marks one year since the hardest day of my life.

It's been heavy on my heart the past few days since I knew it was coming up. And to be honest, I've been dreading today, because I knew it would be hard.

It has been; my heart has been hurting today.

Tonight, when we went to church for the Christmas program I asked God to give me a sign that it was ok, or comfort me somehow.

Being the never failing, loving God He is, He granted the favor I asked.

When we were singing Unspeakable Joy (by Chris Tomlin), He filled me with this peaceful, joyful assurance and reminded me that He was holding "my" baby in His hands, and that He knew the plans He had for Logan.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

And, to add to that, we drove past 'Logan's Roadhouse' on the way home. :)

Thank you Father, for being ever loving and faithful and for comforting me today.

Logan, today you hung in an honored spot on my neck, like you do many days.

I love you sooo very much and I haven't forgotten you! Some day soon I'll come visit you! Love always, Sarah

Maxim and Adam

After 8 long years of waiting, Maxim met his mama today.

Thank you Jesus!! He is as adorable as ever and the his siblings can't wait to meet him! I am soo THRILLED he is finally going to come home to his family!!

He will be loved and cherished. He will be redeemed.

Read more about him here on Stephanie's blog.

♥♥♥

Do you know who this is?? It's Adam.

He has a wonderful family who is working so hard to bring him home. Do you know who his family is? They are the same family who tried to bring my sweet Logan home!

Because they can't proceed with the adoption of Logan, they are working to bring sweet Adam home from a terrible institution. He is 5 years old and less than 17 pounds. He has hydrocephalus  and need medical care urgently.

Right there is a Hidden Treasures Auction going on for him. There are only a few hours left, please go and bid on some items to help bring him home! And you can visit his mama's blog right here!

Thank you!

Cake.

A week ago today, Wednesday night, we celebrated my baby's birthday with cake. Pirate Cake. :)

5 candles for 5 years. Blue and yellow candles for the colors of Ukraine, his country. Pirate because that's what my siblings picked out at the store when I wasn't there.

And I haven't blogged it until now because I couldn't find my camera that had the card in it that had the pictures on it. But my littlest sister found it behind the chair yesterday. ;)

Happy Birthday again little one.

The 15th (Selah Update)

Selah - still in need of prayers

The 15th of the month.... Good things and bad things have happened on that day. Things that have made an impact on me, and are close to my heart.

On the 15th of...

...July 2010, I met Logan while on a mission trip to Ukraine.

...December 2011, I found out the priest took Logan and he was no longer available for adoption.

...August 2012, the Clanton's life changed forever with Selah (and Sam)'s accident.

...September 2012, Lyla came home. (A little story about Lyla coming home on the 15th... shortly before I left for Spitz's and heard that the time frame Lyla was going to come home during included the 15th, I KNEW that's when it would be. God spoke to my heart, and told me thats when it would be. Because that day was special to me. I didn't tell anyone as I didn't want to seem like I was predicting the future or knew more about the time frame then Summer did.

As the time got closer for them to come home, they were coming home on Friday, the 14th. I was starting to doubt myself... did I not hear right? Was it really not from God and just something in my head? Then they scheduled the flights, and of course, they were coming in after midnight, as in they were coming in on Saturday, the 15th! And Lyla wouldn't be in her own HOME until 3 am on the 15th! God is always good and never breaks His promises! ♥)

Today is the 15th of October, but I'm not going to write about Logan or Lyla (although I love them so very much).

Tonight I'm going to update you on sweet Selah. Last two times I posted about Selah were right after the accident and she was doing ok.

She is making more and more responses as of late, which it very encouraging to hear! She has been "bantering" back and forth with Daddy, has been making her displeasure known and licking lemon flavored swabs! Baby steps in the RIGHT direction!!!

Today is 2 months since the accident. 2 months ago the course of a family's life was forever changed. They would never be the same and were shaken to the core by the fact they almost lost two children.

Selah is making progress, yes, but she still has a long way to go. Please keep praying for her, and also pray for her family as they continue to miss their sweet "Lala".

They are also trying to find a place for her back home in FL (they are in NY now) so they can move back home and get their house ready for Selah to move back in with them, but not having to much success so please pray for that as well.

Thank you for continuing to lift this sweet girl and her family up to the throne! Keep checking their blog for updates.

If you would like to see more pictures of Princess Selah and see part of the family's amazing story, please watch this video. I was honored to put it together for them, and as advice from others who have already watched it, have your tissues ready. :)

Looking Back Part 10: The Day My Life Changed Forever

This is Part 10 of the Looking Back series, previous parts are Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, and Part 9.

Two year ago today, I began a journey which will last me a lifetime. A journey of heartbreak and hope, of sadness and joy, but most important - love. And intertwined in that journey is the amazing story of one very special little boy.

It had all started with a dream. A dream of something great which combined several things I love. That dream led to more dreaming and lots of planning. Which led to an amazing day and contact with new friends. Friends who asked a question that when answered yes brought me to the other side of the world where it really all started.

Through a series of events that no man could have orchestrated, God placed me in a country with poverty and and hopelessness like I had never seen before. It opened up my eyes to a whole new world. One morning (two years ago today) while visiting the baby orphanage I met the love of my life. I didn't know it then, but he was to change my life forever.

Though it sounds romantic, this was no cute teenage boy I fell in love with. Nope, far from it! He was just a a baby, almost 3 years old. And thanks to the ridiculous clothes he was wearing, I thought he was a she and didn't find out until afterwards that I was wrong!

That sweet little boy took my hand and led the way. I followed because he had already captured my heart and I'm pretty sure he had mesmerized me by that point! :) I led him over to some play equipment and didn't have kids swarming all over it. I could tell he needed some one on one attention and I was happy to give it! We played on the slide for quite awhile, both of us loving every second.

Unfortunately, he had me too far under his spell to think to take more than 4 pictures! My memory is clouded now, but I do remember that he wasn't happy to leave me when he had to go nor was I happy to leave him! I knew he needed (and still needs!!) his mommy to come get him ASAP! He was broken and aching from being alone, and yes, despite the fact he was two, I could tell his heart was ripped apart. I could hardly bear to see him go back to the life we both hated.

This is Sandy, one of my team members, not a nanny

I lost it on the way out of the orphanage and was in almost a trance the rest of the day. I'm fairly certain I horrible dreams about him and the others that night. Either way, I slept horribly. He needed someone, and since there was no one else, he needed me! And I had sent him back to his grouppa, alone.

I remember lying in bed that night just crying my heart out because he and so many others had to spend the night alone. And I had to leave them there. I know I wouldn't have gotten very far, but I regret at least trying to stay there with him a little longer. Despite my hopes, we didn't get to go back to the orphanage on during the rest of the trip.

Who would have thought that a half hour with a little boy I had never met before would change the course of my life forever? God did before the earth was even created. :)


Because my heart was opened up the the plight the orphan through him, I started this blog advocating for other orphans and families bringing them home.

As I sat here tonight writing this, my heart was broken yet again for "my" sweet boy. Because this post captures my time with him better than any post I have written before, all the tears it took to write this post are worth it.

I dream of the day he will know what it means to have a family, even though that is not possible right now. And for now, though I miss him immensely, and my heart is broken for him, I will continue to pray God will move mountains on his behalf to give him a family, and be thankful that he changed my life for the better.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

As you've probably figured out, sweet boy is my little Logan..

Today is also the 7 month anniversary of the day I found out that Logan no longer had a family, and then that he was not ever going to be adoptable. 

Interesting that I met him on Thursday, July 15, 2010, and I found the above out on Thursday, December 15, 2011. Those two days are exactly  17 months apart. Even the same day of the week! 

Coincidence? Nope. But for sure a God-incidence.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Here are some more photos from the baby house. I went through and choose some, and turns out I choose 15 pictures! 15 must be my number! :)

Andriy, who also became unadoptable the same time as Logan

Liza and I

Brody lying there, with Ryan looking up at me

Marci and Ryan

Brooke and Evelyn - Evelyn is now home

Heading back inside

"Is he your baby?"

Awhile back, before this happend, my best friend Rachel and I shared about orphans and adoption for lesson time at AWANA. (AWANA stands for Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed, ans is like a youth group for preschoolers up to 5th grade with games, lesson time, book time (memorizing scripture), and songs.) We shared about different orphans, including Logan, and handed out baggies for the kids to collect coins to help an orphan. Those coins were for Logan so his family could bring him home. They raised almost $200!! Unfortunately, Logan became unavailable, and had lost his family. (That money ended up going towards Maxim.)

Fast forward to last night. I had gone to AWANA to help the kisd build their cars for the AWANA Grad Prix that's coming up. I was wearing my Logan necklace. A little 5 yo girl came in and I was helping her take her coat off.

She pointed to my necklace and asked, "Is that your baby?"

I was caught off gaurd so I said "What?" She asked again.

"Is that your baby?"

I answered, "Yes, he's my baby."

My baby. Forever.

Lyrics | JJ Heller lyrics - When I'm With You lyrics

Dreams

Two months ago today (Wednesday) was the worst day of my life so far. No, I’m not going to post monthly posts about it, but I felt like I needed to today.

Today my heart has been hurting, and it seems like I’m in a heavy fog. I honestly don’t know how to write my feelings, nor am I sure I would if I could. So instead I’m going to share a different post with you.

I had written this post awhile back but was still going back and forth about posting it publicly. Because it got so long (three full pages in a small font in a Word doc!), I turned it into two parts, but I’m going to condense them to one for this post. Please bear with me as it still got a little long.

+++++++

Every once in a while I will have a dream that isn’t completely insane and keeps running through my head most of the day. They are so livid and real and I remember so much of them. Today I’m going to tell you about two of those dreams.

A couple months ago I had a dream. I dreamt I was in Ukra*ne (not unusual!!) and at the baby orphanage I met Logan at. I was visiting all the kids there. First I asked for Logan; they told me he wasn’t there. Then I asked for Molly, and they told me she wasn’t there either. Then I asked for Kasey. I spent an hour or two just playing with Kasey and holding him and rocking him and loving on him. After I brought Kasey back, I visited a short time with Johanna.

Kasey

Kasey and Johanna

When I woke up, I couldn’t stop thinking about Kasey and since it was Wednesday I figured I was meant to blog about him for Waiting Wednesday. Then my world came crashing down.

Logan’s mama emailed and said they couldn’t proceed with his adoption. The next morning (Thursday), my world broke into a million pieces again. Instead of recapping it here, read this post if you haven’t already for details.

But back to my dream. Remember the order I asked for the kids? Logan, Molly, Kasey, and Johanna. Later I read Natalie’s post about what happened, again and more carefully. Then it hit me. The part where she said who was gone. Look what order she says them in - Logan, Molly, Kasey, and Johanna gone.

It probably was just me but that gave me the chills. Not to mention the fact that the times the priest was there and the time of my dream seem to match up from what I can gather.

A lot more recent than my dream about Kasey, in fact just a couple nights ago. I had another dream. Actually several dreams that I remember vividly, but the other two things are absolutely ridiculous pieces of information!! :) I’ll will tell you about my sweet Logan who propelled me into the world of orphan advocating.

I was over in Ukra*ne (sound familiar?) and with my good friend Max, who has a ministry over there. We went to go visit Logan, who oddly wasn’t with the priest at his orphanage, but at a different orphanage in the city Logan was in formerly.

Max and I walked in and stood in the doorway. There was a hustle and bustle of activity and we could see nannies, but no kids. I asked how do we know which room is his (we didn’t want to ask for some reason which is totally out of character for Max…).

Max didn’t know, and we were just about to check one of the rooms when out of another room this little boy comes bursting out at a full run. He stops short in front of us and waves excitedly. I realize immediately it’s Logan and I point to the room he came from and am like to Max – “that one is Logan’s room!”

Then is dawns on me – LOGAN is standing in front of me!!! LOL

I put out my arms and he is instantly in them. It was like he knew I’ve been longing to hold him for years. I lift him up and spin him around and around. He is hugging me so tight I can barely breathe but I could care less. I’m bawling like a baby at this point, and I’m bawling typing this, it was just all so real!

The sun was shining down through the window behind us, which was next to the door. But it was so bright, and I remember feeling it was God smiling down on us.

After several minutes I put him down, and just like that he vanished. While I was wiping away tears, Max asked the director, who had somehow appeared when Logan did, about adopting him and we set up an appt later that week to talk more about how we were going to do it. That’s all I remember, but I can only imagine how it turned out.

That dream brings me to tears every time I think about it, and it’s given me so much HOPE! I know it came from God, His presence was just too strong shining through the window for me to deny that.

This amazing picture is hanging in my room. It’s amazing because it has pictures of my sweet Logan on it.

The letter pictures say Bogdan if you couldn’t figure it out. Bogdan is Logan’s real name, while Logan, which everyone knows him as, is his code name to protect his identity.

I KNOW I will see sweet Logan/Bogdan again one day, whether it happens here on earth or not. But until then I will keep praying for him, keeping advocating for others in honor of him, and this blog will continue because all I want to do is take his story to the world because he has shown me what it means to LOVE!

And I love him so much that it hurts! xoxo

What it means to LOVE! ♥

Exactly one month ago today. Exactly 4 weeks ago last Thursday.

That was a horrific day. It was the worst day of my life that I can remember. I cried more that day than I think I had ever had before, and my heart was torn more that day that I care to think about. For those new readers of mine, you can read about it here – hardest post I have ever had to write.

Healing from those events is still taking place for many. Many families are still in the midst of deciding the next step to take. And many warriors are now plugging on for others who need help desperately too.

As for me, I am mostly healed. I have become okay with where Logan is, at least he’s getting cared for a lot better and will never go hungry! He will be loved, and maybe someday adopted by a Ukrainian family. But there are still times when I can’t hold back the tears, like when I am listening to my Meredith Andrew’s CD, and Logan’s song (read on, it’s explained below) comes on. Of course it just happens to always be on at the same time I am putting on my Logan necklace, and then the tears come.

My Logan necklace. I got it from a fundraiser Sterling's mama did to help bring him home!

Note: Logan is the little boy who is plastered all over my header who I met, held, and played with last summer on a mission trip. He stole my heart in the short time I was with him, and is the one who propelled me into the world of orphan advocating.

Someday, when I return to Ukraine, I hope I am able to visit my sweet boy, and give him all the love I wish I had given him more of when I met him. But part of me doesn’t want to see him for his sake. I’m quite sure that he will be a little frightened by this strange lady who talks weird, is a crying blubbery mess, and is squeezing the living daylights out of him! J Yet I dream of and long for that day… even if it never happens.

That sweet boy, Logan, changed my life forever. He opened my eyes to the plight of the orphan, and those with special needs (we didn’t have either of my brothers home at the time I met him). Who knew that a ½ hour (probably less) with a sweet 2 year old could change me forever?

Logan, you have truly has shown me what it means to LOVE, and I am forever grateful! You will always be a big part of my heart, and I will continue to pray for you, sweet boy! I LOVE YOU more than you know!!!

Please take a couple minutes to watch this video I made for him, with “his” song.

I couldn’t have changed a word if I rewrote this song for him, so I’ve dubbed it Logan’s song. That’s why this blog is named after the song, and Logan, because he has shown me what it means…to LOVE!

So many faces...

There are so many faces that have appeared on the My Family Found Me page lately. Sadly, most of them have those two words under them - 'Adopted Domestically'. Which basically means they are with the priest.

Alex

Annabell

Dewey

Dustin

Eugene

Joseph

Karly

Lily

Melodie

Natalie

Oliver

Ollie

Ricky

And the two that hurt the most to see.....

Kasey

Logan

This priest is not a bad guy. He wants to help these children. I recently saw a video of his orphanage and it's very nice and the kids receive a lot of care they need there. He had no way of knowing kids have families coming for them. 

But my heart is aching for all the families and warriors still hurting by knowing their children are never going to be adopted, and for the children who though they are getting better care, will never know what the love of a FAMILY is. Please keep the prayers coming!!

+++++

One more thing. If you have grabbed my Logan fundraiser button (pictured below) and added it to your blog, can you please take it off? For obvious reasons I have ended that fundraiser. Thank you!

+++++

Lyla Love says THANK YOU to everyone who helped get her grant up to $2118.53!!! You have helped to save her LIFE!